


no matter is every created or destroyed, it just changes: Sixth Year.

by yourestuckinmyhead



Series: The Energy of the Universe is Constant (things are always going to change.) [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-16
Updated: 2015-11-16
Packaged: 2018-05-01 21:13:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5221037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourestuckinmyhead/pseuds/yourestuckinmyhead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sixth year was the year of growth, the year that five special people figured out who they were alone. They could be nothing but themselves because they had nothing and it was that wondrous, pain filled year that they finally started to become.</p>
            </blockquote>





	no matter is every created or destroyed, it just changes: Sixth Year.

Lily was just a girl. A girl with hair like fire, who could make flowers grow at her feet and brew a potion like no other. A girl with a jealous sister and wonderful parents. A girl who loved the poor neighbor boy like a brother until he turned on her and left her with nothing. A girl who could shout until her lungs were sore and much much longer after that.

But a girl all the same.

Lily Evans was not something that could be owned or won, nor was she someone who wanted to be treated like they could be. No, Lily Evans was a girl of complete integrity, she stuck to her gut and everything else could fuck off.

Lily Evan was not a kind girl, no, she was something more than kindness. Kindness belongs to a sweet girl who wants to settle down, have five children and a husband before she turns thirty. Kindness was what little girls had before they were burned by the world and realized that kindness was the stuff for fairy tales, that no one was going to reach out and give with open hands, if you were kind no one was kind in return. Lily Evans learned that if you wanted something from life you had to reach out and take it.

Because Lily Evans had been kind before, and she was ready to leave it far, _far_ behind. All kindness had brought her was empty hands and an empty friendship of empty promises, an empty crush from an empty headed boy.

Lily Evans was the type of girl who learned her lessons early and didn’t ever need to repeat them, so Lily Evans learned. And she was ready for more.

 

* * *

 

The train car was empty of people beside herself; Lily had been offered a spot in a few other carriages, but she had declined. The company of people was not something she was interested in that afternoon. No, Lily Evans needed some time with her thoughts. Some time to prepare for the year ahead of her.

The summer had been long, almost unbearably so. Petunia, who was very much seventeen and so very proud of that fact, had gone out and gotten herself a boyfriend. Something that Petunia was very pleased that Lily did not have. So, the summer had consisted of Petunia and Petunia’s boyfriend and stories of Petunia’s boyfriend and Petunia’s screeches to _“BE NORMAL!_ ” So her boyfriend wouldn’t notice that her sister Lily was a freak.

Her summer had not been pleasant.

Lily had spend the summer without an escape, now that she no longer had the reprieve that she once had, now that _he_ was out of her life. The swings remained empty at midnight, their spot in the grass on the tallest hill in town was no longer theirs. Lily’s person to vent about her life, to share books, and records with was no longer around. She had received a few letters, but only from acquaintances, not the kind of people who truly want to know if you are down.

Lily did _not_ get a letter from James, the first year one hadn’t arrived at her window for as long as she had known him. And somehow she felt even more alone.

And all of that was why she sat in the train car alone. One does not escape from semi-self imposed isolation and bounce back in one day. And she was not quite ready to jump back into the life she was living before, her feet propped up against the fire in the common room, making small talk. Lily was right to be preparing herself, stealing herself what was to come, but she was so dreadfully tired.

She was settling down for a nap, her cloak used as a blanket and a jacket transfigured into a pillow, when there was a knock at the door. It slid open slowly, and a low voice spoke.

“I know you probably don’t want to sit with me, but I can’t sit with Sirius and everyone else is driving me crazy with the stares and the questions and it looks like you are just going to sleep. I’ll be quite.”

Lily considered this plea, looked at the dark circles under his eyes and the flatness of his hair, the unusual slump of his shoulders.  And nodded.

James Potter gave her a small smile before sitting down across from her. Lily settled down to sleep again.

“How was your summer?”

“And here I thought you were going to be quiet.” When she turned to face him, James at least tried to look apologetic.

“‘m sorry. It’s just-you see I’ve spent the entire summer-I’ve been alone. For a while. Normally we are all sending letters to each other and spending weeks at my house and this summer-it's been radio silence.” That explained the tired look of him. James, for as long as Lily had know him, had been a very social creature and had always at least one Marauder at his side.

“You never wrote me.” And it was true. James got a slight blush in his cheeks, and Lily tried not to cry. “You’ve sent me so many letters. Every year. Always about your adventures and your successes. Always ‘Lily go out with me. I, James Potter, am the gods gift to earth,’”

She stayed quiet for a while. James, holding his breath. Lily trying to find the right words to say. “You were so annoying. But it would have made me feel a little less strange, having one thing that remained normal.”

“I think that’s the longest you’ve ever spoken to me.” Lily sat up to face him.

“Do you not see the problem with that?”

“What.”

“You’ve known me for six years, this is our _sixth_ school year together, you ask me out over and over and over again for two of those years and yet not once have you had an actual conversation with me. It's ludicrous. You’re Ludicrous! I’m just an idea to you, Potter. You don’t know anything about me. If you had just tried to sit down, and not talk about how wonderful your life is, actually tried to have a conversation with me, then maybe it wouldn’t have taken you this long.”

James spent a long time thinking about this, worked his jaw, ruffled his hair. Stared at Lily for a long, long time. Before “I’m sorry, that I did that. And for Severus, that you’re not friends anymore because of me.”

“You said that last year, and I said it wasn’t your fault.”

“You didn’t want to hear it then, and I know it wasn’t. But I made it happen faster.”

“You’re right.”

“And now I understand.”

“You do.”

James was now lying down. The two of them, facing the seats, turned away from each other, two perfect parallel lines. Never meant to touch, but in that moment, so impossibly similar.

 

* * *

 

James Potter had run out of plans, had run out of schemes and manipulations and tricks. He was done being someone who was constantly trying to prove himself. James was tired, so impossibly tired, of being someone who wasn’t even real. No one saw James the boy, the almost man. They all saw the stories and the lies and the myths that had been created and spread in his name.

James was a simple boy, who wanted nothing more that the company of his friends. He didn’t need money, though he certainly had lots of it, and he didn’t need to be remarkable, though he certainly was; James just needed to not be someone else for a while. Not be the smart and quick witted child his parents wanted him to be, or the trickster and marvelous leader his school knew him as. He needed to be James.

He was done being the valiant hero who tried to save the damsel in distress, because he wasn’t a hero and she was never ever in distress, or a damsel, or someone who _needed_ him in any capacity. Maybe it was James that needed saving, but she loathed him and he was so tired of trying to change that.

The summer before sixth year was the longest of his life.

Every day was another day that he couldn’t write Remus or Peter, or Lily. He was filled with too much shame to pick up the pen and try to talk to Remus, who still blamed him for not controlling Sirius. Couldn’t be the hero that Peter needed because he wasn’t a hero. Just a broken boy. A broken boy that couldn’t bear the torment of writing the girl he loved when she would never write him back. Not that he would be anything worth writing about. What could he say? He was alone? That kind of truth wasn’t something she needed to know. And what was this? All this torment and sadness because of one night. One night that had ruined the lot of them.

Sirius had transformed before his eyes, gone from the one person who could have hung the moon and called it easy to someone who needed to hurt, who was careless in stead of fun and easy going. But he had been replaced with this malicious person, and all the things that James had never seen, never noticed, became obvious.

How over and over Sirius had made fun of Peter, had mocked and ridiculed their _friend_. He was the always the first one to suggest the more cruel pranks, the one who wanted revenge. Honestly, Sirius was probably the reason that the Marauders were looked down on, that if they had been more tolerant towards the other students, more about good-hearted fun instead of bullying, maybe instead of dictators they could be role models.

Yet, James still missed him terribly. And Sirius lived in the same god damned house.

__________________________________________________________________________

 

It was during that summer that Remus reached a new low point.

It was during that summer that Remus finally admitted to himself that he might have to spend his life alone; not wanting to put his burden on anyone but himself because he saw what happened when you did something like trust, and what he found was the eventual betrayal that would do nothing but hurt him and others. He saw it in Snape and Lily, and Sirius and James. Remus saw it in himself, because for a few short months he had trusted himself not to be a danger and it had all been a terrible mistake.

The rift between Sirius and the rest of them had gotten bigger over the summer, opening up wide and swallowing fun and joy, and left the lot them with so much bitterness. Like the taste of dark chocolate left in your mouth after all the richness had faded.

But school had to start at some point. The ride to school was hard. The compartment the Marauders had claimed as theirs the second year was too empty. He had stopped to talk to Peter, but then the smaller blonde boy had wandered off to some other car with a hufflepuff girl. Remus was left to wander the cars before stopping in the Prefect Car for their meeting. He had seen Lily for a second before she disappeared, she had looked rather sullen.  

The opening ceremony was boring and lonely, though he had been sat next to Lily and she looked considerably better. When he asked she simply stated. “I had a nap.”

But the difference wasn’t something that could be fixed with sleep, so he had pressed on and she finally let the words “I got some feelings out today, and it felt really really good.” And that was enough to satisfy him. The glace she made at James, who was sitting farther down the table, explained.

The two of them later lead the first years to the dorm, gave out the password, and then continued on to their respective rooms.

It was a beginning to a wonderful friendship, if Remus was honest.

 

* * *

 

Sirius had been swallowed by despair. Lost were his friends, lost were the lovely memories he had held so close to his heart, lost was his faith that he could be anything besides his family name, because in the war between Light and Dark he was coming up Black.

So, Sirius did what Sirius had always done when in trouble and bought himself a distraction that roared almost as much as he could, that coughed smoke up from its lungs like he did. But it looked back unlike he did, so he had torn off the rear view mirrors so no matter what it would stay like him as he took off into the inky night.

It had rained the night he showed up at the potter’s house, and since he had taken his bike, His _muggle bike_ , Sirius was soaking wet and sad. So sad and so alone that even James had spread open his arms and welcomed him into a hug.

So Sirius moved into the Potter household, but things were still not mended. A grand gesture of friendship does not fix everything, James was still not ready to forgive. And Sirius wasn’t ready to forgive himself yet. So the two of them passed each other like ships in the night, even went so far as to travel to Kings Cross seperately. Enter the train separately, sit separately, even as Sirius called out James’ name in greeting, waved, saved him a seat.

Sirius sat alone at the feast. Got to the dorm alone and went to sleep alone. Spent the first week of class alone. He had apologized and apologized and apologized until one day Sirius ran into Lily in a hallway, spilled her books everywhere.

Sirius had rushed to pick them up, strambling and apologizing and “I’m sorry. Shit. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry! It’s all I say now a days! I’M SORRY. BUT IT NEVER FIXES ANYTHING.”

“Your books won’t pick themselves up because I feel bad and Moony and Prongs aren't talking to me so Wormtail won’t and Lily I’m so sorry and I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Things used to make sense!”

Lily had looked at him, with her bright green eyes, lips in a slight frown, and had said “I forgive you.”

He had collapsed right there. Right there on the floor like the books he had spilled. Had weakly said “Thank you.” When a body joined him down there. Right there on the floor in the middle of the hallway. And for a long time they were silent.

“Forgiveness is not forgetting. They forgive you. I know they do. But you hurt them so much, Sirius.”

“I know.”

“Then you know that apologizing isn’t going to change things. They know. You just have to wait.”

So, Sirius began to wait. And started to forgive himself, just a little.

 

* * *

 

Peter started sixth year and was left with nothing but a scattered group of friends, and he had been pretty sure he had done nothing wrong. He had tried to stand up to Sirius but he was too determined, thought about telling Remus but what good would that do, and in the end he was the one who scurried after James in order to save the pathetic slick haired weasels’ life. What had that all got him but trouble?

He had spent the summer waiting for letters and forgiveness, for the powerful call of a long friendship to fix things. Nothing came in the mail though, and Peter knew that it couldn’t be him to bridge the gap between The Marauders, no. That was something the others had to sort out for themselves.

When school started, Peter thought that things might start to mend, but they were still as broken as ever. Remus would do nothing but mutter to him sometimes, Sirius was always angry and yelling or sleeping, and James couldn’t look at anyone without looking disappointed.  

His friends were all broken and there was nothing he could do to change that, so maybe it was time to make new friends. And then Peter did. And things started to change for him.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Well, here we go. Stage two of the giant project I've made for myself.
> 
> I hope everything turns out okay.


End file.
